Selfish
by AleyaContraire
Summary: And before I fall into the blissful world of unconsciousness, i'm reminded of one word. Selfish. Tris and Christina after Will's death. ONESHOT.


***A/N: Another one-shot! I couldn't get this off my mind so i decided to just write it down :) I realized that there are few fanfics that talk about Tris and Will's friendship. I find that depressing because i've always adored them. For people who feel the same way, please read :)***

* * *

**Selfish**

Selfish.

Only one word comes into my mind as Christina delivered that stinging pain upon my right cheek.

Selfish.

I tried so hard, so hard to shield the truth from her. Surrounded that precious thing with bodyguards of deception and falsehoods. But I knew, all along, deep inside, that this was inevitable. It was bound to happen. As a Candor would say, "Like a wild animal, the truth is too powerful to remain caged." And now that the truth is free from the lies that chained it, it unleashed its power, vicious and deadly. I could feel that power with every word that falls from Christina's lips

"You, bitch." She spat. "He was your friend! He was your best friend!" Angry tears started to make her eyes hazy. "Murderer." Slap. "Traitor." Slap. "Coward." Slap. "Selfish." Slap. The last word hurt me more than all her blows combined. Before I knew it, the tears I've been keeping for so long rushed out of me. I opened my mouth to say something – anything. But nothing came out. What was I supposed to say?! That I'm sorry? That I didn't mean it? I'm not sorry. I'm not guilty. I was burdened by something greater. A feeling of hate and total disgust for myself. Because I never belonged in Abnegation. I was never selfless. I was selfish. I deserved this.

So I let her harm me.

She pushed me to the ground and started punching my face, my chest. I didn't stop her. I don't want to. I welcomed the pain – thrived on it. Took comfort from it. Because I know that every punch, every bruise will bring me one step closer to repaying him. To repaying Will. My thoughts drifted off to him.

Will.

My bestfriend.

My protector.

A victim of my selfishness.

It was him who made me laugh during target shooting, him who protected me from Peter and his equally evil lackeys, him who defended me from his sister, him who shielded me from Al after his betrayal. It was him who comforted me at the expense of his old faction.

Will who, if he were in my place, would never have pulled the trigger.

I cried harder.

No amount of tears will bring him back.

Not even my death could bring him back.

Nothing could.

Because I killed him. Because I was selfish.

Christina was shrieking now, her hands covered with my blood. I couldn't care less if she killed me then and there. Maybe it would be better if she did. I have no use in this world anymore. Tobias would find someone better than me, someone more deserving of his love. He didn't deserve a broken, selfish girl like me.

Will didn't.

"Christina!"

My thoughts snapped back to reality. I would know that voice anywhere - even in a crowded street.

"Tobias." Christina hissed.

"Stop it."

"No!" she shrieked. "She killed him! What I did isn't even half of what she did to him! She ruined his chance of having a good life!"

Her voice broke. "Of having a good life with me." She added more quietly.

"Then tell me, Christina. What will this accomplish? Hurting her won't bring Will back."

"You're just saying that because you love her!"

"No." He looked at her straight in the eye. "No I don't. I'm saying this because it's what Will would've wanted. Do you think he wanted you avenge him?"

Through my half-closed eyes, I can see Christina lower her head.

"No." she whispered. "He wouldn't have wanted that." She began shaking… and I realized, she was sobbing. Then she balled her hands into fists and glared at Tobias. "At least it would grant me the satisfaction of seeing what his death did to her."

She began punching me again. Tobias made no effort to stop her. And I was grateful for that.

"Christina." He said in a firm voice.

But Christina wouldn't budge. "How could you love someone so full of herself, Four?" she hissed.

Ouch.

That went through me.

"Christina." He said more firmly.

Then Christina punched my stomach so hard that blood rose into my mouth and blocked the passageway of my nose. I can't breathe. Black spots danced in my vision.

"Christina, that's enough!" Tobias growled. He grabbed her hands and dragged her away from me. She kicked and thrashed, but Tobias was too strong for her.

"Listen." He said. "Calm down. You need to calm down, Christina. Stop. "

And she calmed down.

She stopped flailing her arms. Her body went limp. "Let me go." She said quietly. She must've felt Tobias' hesitance because she added, "I'm not going to do anything."

Once her feet touched the ground, a hysterical sob bubbled from her chest. "I'm sorry. It's just too painful. It hurts so bad. Make it stop. Please make it stop." She wrapped her arms around her knees.

Despite my bruised body serving as evidence of what she did to me, I reached out for her hand and squeezed it. She lifted her gaze and scrambled forward to hug me. I didn't care that it was hurting my wounds – still fresh and bleeding. I didn't care that I might pass out soon. What mattered is that the person I owe the most, next to Will is finally taking me back. "I'm sorry for all those horrible things I called you. You're not a murderer. You're not a coward. You're not a traitor. You're not selfish." She said.

If she only knew how badly her words wounded me. But I wasn't mad. Her words awakened me. Made me realize what kind of person I really was.

And before I fall into that blissful world of unconsciousness, I'm reminded of one word.

Selfish.


End file.
